


trust in me and set me free

by lostin_space



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Vague Descriptions of a Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 21:33:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18786637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: in which matteo finally accepts he needs helpfrom a dialogue prompt on tumblr: "nothing is wrong with you"title: heaven by the blaze





	trust in me and set me free

“I can’t breathe.”

Matteo had spent the last hour freaking out on the bathroom floor.  He’d had his first big job interview and he’d insisted it was fine, that he was fine.  When he got out and made it home without losing it, he thought for sure he had actually made it through without any obvious breakdown.  He was absolutely fine.

But then Hans asked how it went.

Within minutes, Matteo had found himself hyperventilating in the bathroom.  He kept telling himself he was being stupid, that there was no reason to freak out because it was over, but that only seemed to make it worse.  It was a constant string of worries until he couldn’t breathe and his knees gave out.  David walked into him crying and clinging to the sink like it was his lifeline.  How pathetic was that?

“It’s okay.  Just breathe with me.” David insisted as he pulled Matteo into his chest.

“I can’t.”

“You can.  You’re okay, you’re okay, I’m right here.  You are perfectly fine.” David whispered.  Matteo knew he was lying, he was merely trying to calm him down.  Everyone knew he was far from fine.  It was common knowledge.  There was something wrong.

Neither of them did too much talking after that.  Matteo wasn’t up for having comforting lies.  He was just tired.  Tired of constantly being drained, tired of every single thing feeling like a massive burden.  He was tired of struggling to get out of bed.  He wanted to feel normal.  If that’s what an interview felt like, how would he ever do an actual job?

“Let’s go to bed.” David urged once his breathing regulated.  Part of Matteo wanted to point out that it wasn’t even five yet, but the idea of going to bed sounded too appealing.  He was so fucking tired.

David pulled Matteo to his feet, holding him tight.  His feet were hardly doing their job as he tried to hold his own.  He couldn’t even find it in him to apologize for being so pathetic.  So, so, so pathetic.

Once they entered his room, David dropping him onto the bed.  New tears pooled in his eyes as David helped strip him down, to change him into clothes that were more comfortable.  He always did this.  He never asked any questions, he never stared with pity, he just acted.  The whole thing reminded him of his mother.  How every time she’d break, he had to be there to put her back together.  It killed him that David was doing the same for him.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo grumbled as David pulled his arms through the sleeves of the t-shirt.

“Hush, don’t apologize,” David whispered, pushing his hair to the side and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.  He gently pushed Matteo down to the mattress, tucking the blanket around him.

Matteo’s eyes followed him as he walked around the room, gathering clothes that were strewn about the floor in an attempt to clean up.  A clean room was the first step to feeling better.  Or, at least that’s what David insisted.  It was something understood on a superficial level but could barely bring himself to put into action.  Which, again, left David.  Matteo wished he’d complain sometimes.  Complaints meant he wasn’t just going to let this become their normal.

“Stop.  Come lay down.” Matteo urged.  David stared at him for a moment before placing the handful in the corner.

“Okay.  Let me go change,” he said simply. Matteo let his eyes close as David grabbed something to wear and slipped out.  Even though they basically lived together now, David struggled with changing in front of him.  When the situation was more heated, he didn’t seem to mind it, but if it was too casual, he thought about it way too much.  Insecurity won over reason.

Matteo understood that far too well.

Though, as Matteo was left alone, the interview began replaying in his mind.  He moved his hand in a weird way, so what if that guy thought something was wrong with him?  Three times Matteo had accidentally spoken over him, even more times he took too long to answer.  Oh God, what if there were questions he forgot to answer at all?  He couldn’t remember.  Did he spell his name right on the application?  Was the year he was born right, was it‒

“Hey, hey, look at me.  Come back, where’d you go?” David’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he found it was hard to breathe all over again.  “There you are.” David cooed, cupping his face in his hands as he laid in front of him.

“I can’t‒I can’t stop thinking.” Matteo whimpered, working to regain control of his breath for the third time that day.  It was like the more he tried to calm his thoughts, the quicker they came.  He couldn’t even get them out.  It just hurt.  It physically hurt.

“It’s okay.  You’re okay.” David promised, wiping his cheeks and gently tracing his finger over his jaw.

“There’s something wrong with me.”

“No, no, you’re fine.  Tons of people have anxiety, it’s not your fault.  You’re fine.”

“I’m not normal.”

“Yes, you are.  People just cope differently.”

_“I’m not coping!”_

Silence filled the room.  A million emotions crossed David’s eyes that Matteo could hardly place any of them.  Then again, his mind wasn’t exactly in the proper place to decipher someone else’s feelings.  He couldn’t find his own.

But David still grabbed his jaw and looked at him with an intimidating level of intensity.

“There is  _nothing_  wrong with you,” David said firmly.  He paused to take a deep breath.  “If you’re not coping, we’ll work on it.  You can go to therapy if you need it, but I’m not listening to you put yourself down.  If you’re not okay now, you will be.  And I’m here.  You there for me, I’m there for you.”

“Okay.”

“No, not okay.  You keep acting like you’re a burden on me.  You aren’t.  I love you, okay?  I’ll help you figure it out.  That’s what I’m here for.” David insisted, scooting closer so both their hips and their noses were touching.

“Then I think I need therapy.  It keeps getting worse.” Matteo answered.  David nodded without hesitation, his thumb rubbing over Matteo’s cheek.

“Okay.  Then we’ll look into it.  Maybe you can ask your mom, she might know someone that you can go to.” he suggested.  Matteo took a slow, deep breath as he nodded.  As he closed his eyes, he tried to fill his mind with nothing outside of David. That was more soothing than anything else at the moment.  “Just… You’re not a burden.”

“I love you.” Matteo murmured, reaching out to snake his arms around David’s torso.  David’s hands moved to the back of his neck and pulling his face against his neck.

“I know, baby, I love you too.”

They laid there for a while, huddled close.  Matteo focused on syncing his breathing with David’s.  An even, steady pattern in and out. In and out. In and out. That was easy to think about.  He pushed everything else out of his mind, including the part where he agreed to talk to his mom.  He didn’t know how to begin a conversation like that, especially when he knew her and knew she would blame herself.  He knew she was going to cry.  He thought he was finally done seeing her cry.

But, still, that was a step.  That was the first step to getting help, to getting better, to going back to being equal in his relationship with David.  This was the last time he wanted to watch David clean up his room for him.

Next time, he was going to do it himself.

**Author's Note:**

> more on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
